Storylog

Chapter I

The ex and I are going along fine. We are one of the cool couples at my alma mater and senior prom is approaching. Before my senior year, I hadn’t gone to any of the dances for one of the following two reasons:

A. No date-often
B. Bowling Tournament out of town-occasionally

So, prom is approaching and I’ve got my tux. I’m going to blow all my cash on this thing. Great dinner, limo, after party, the works. One week before it all goes down I get dumped. Explanation? I’m about to go off to college and she doesn’t want a long distance relationship. Oi.

I don’t want to tell anybody, but you could see the hurt on my face. My mom makes one of her legendary Augustus-esque decrees and says that I still have to go to the prom. Well, prom is the last place I want to be. So, I hatch a plan.

I’ll put on my tux and take pictures in front of my dear mother. She asks why I have a bag of clothes and I tell her that I’m staying the night at a friend’s house. She buys it.

After the pictures are taken, I drive away and instead of meeting up with friends for dinner I head straight north to my grandfather’s cabin. I change clothes there and head up I-35 to Oklahoma City where I go to a dinner and movie in solitude.

As I’m driving home my cell phone rings. It’s the ex, and her date was taking her to an after party. I told her I didn’t go and that she could kiss my ass.  My interaction with her should have ended right there, but, alas, it didn’t.

Chapter II

Here comes the rebound relationship. It was a disaster from the start, but this girl and I got along pretty well. One night, I take a new girl out on a date to a movie.

After the movie, we get in my car and I’ve got six missed calls on my cell phone. New girl picks it up to see if it’s one of our mutual friends. It’s not, it’s the ex.

Turns out that her new boyfriend is a little mad at her for something. She won’t disclose the details, she just needs to talk to me. Why me? Because I always listened to her problems before.

New date looks at me and asks who this girl is that keeps calling me. I told her it was my ex. That was the last night new girl and I ever went on a date. She didn’t want to be the rebound relationship.

Chapter III

It’s my last day in my hometown before I go up to OU. I’m a little depressed and worried, as I’m sure all of you were before you left home for the first time, but as I’m packing, my cell phone rings. It’s the ex and she wants to see me.

Now I know I shouldn’t have gone over there, but word on the streets was that her and her new boyfriend were going through some tough times. My heart of hearts starts telling me that this could be my big send-off and that she might tell me that she wants to get back together and apologize for all the crap she put me through.

Well, I go over there and it isn’t like that at all. She just wanted to see me before I left. She begins to cry just before I get back into my car so I give her a hug and a kiss on the forehead. End of story, so I think, and I head back to my house to finish packing.

As I’m loading up the final box, her new boyfriend’s truck comes rolling down my street. I look up at the sky and wonder what in the blue hell I’d done to deserve this.

He hops out and yells at me, wondering why I came onto his woman. I politely tell him that all I did was give her a little peck on the forehead and a short hug. He says that the ex told him that I forced her to make out with me. Her boyfriend and I go way back, so we got the matter resolved.

As I’m driving out of town, I call the ex on the phone and tell her never to call me or mention my name again. Oh, if it had only ended that day…

Chapter IV

I’m at the Oklahoma City airport preparing to fly to Dallas and then on to Colorado Springs to watch OU play Air Force. My flight gets cancelled at around 8 p.m. due to plane troubles so I get rescheduled for the 6 a.m. flight the next morning. I know I’ve got to go home and get some sleep.

I didn’t eat because I was planning to eat on the flight. My roommate, who had gone to the Olive Garden, brings home a pizza with alfredo sauce instead of tomato. He offers me some slices and I accept. The alfredo sauce rips my stomach to shreds and I must delay sleep until close to midnight because of repeated visits to the John.

I’m just about to fall asleep when the phone rings. It’s the ex, and as a sign of misery to come for yours truly, she’s in tears. Turns out that her and her new boyfriend have broken up and she wants to talk about it. Now, being the sweet, pathetic, heartbroken guy that I am, I listen.

And listen.

And listen.

And listen some more.

Around 1 a.m. I tell her that I’ve got to get some sleep. She says hold on and I hear a click, she gets back on to tell me that she’s calling the new boyfriend on three way and that she wants me to help her convince her new boyfriend to get back together with her. I’m so shocked that I don’t even have time to react before the new boyfriend says hello.

What the hell do I do?

Well, I’ll tell you what my ignorant carcass did. I talked to them, told them why they should be together and all that utter nonsense. All the while I’m holding out hope that the ex will get back together with me. Damn, I’m dumb.

So, I get to listen to them both cry. I also get delightful insights as to why both of them were having troubles with one another and what they love about each other. Why I’m still on the phone I’ll never know.

New boyfriend hangs up after the reconciliation, but the ex still wants to talk. She’s worried that he’s not the one, but I still can’t get her off the phone. She rants and raves about how nice and how mean he can be. Finally I come up with a Dr. Phil suggestion and tell her to trust her heart. She agrees and tells me good night.

It’s 3:15 in the morning. I have to get up at 4:30 , a mere 75 minutes away. My plane departs in just under three hours.

That was a miserable flight.

Chapter V

I’m on Cloud Nine. It’s my freshman year in college and I’m returning home from Miami after watching Oklahoma beat Florida State 13-2 to win the national championship. I return to my hotel in solitude and I’ve got a message on my cell phone. It’s the ex, and she really needs to talk to me.

I call her and she is very excited to hear from me. She asks when I’ll be returning home and I say I’ll be home tomorrow afternoon. She says we’ll talk then.

Hmm, perhaps this reunion is going to take place after all. I know that her and her new boyfriend have been fighting all Christmas Break. I figure my return to my hometown will be as glorious as MacArthur landing at Inchon .

I get home and call her to tell her that I’m back. She can’t wait. She wants to see me now. Excellent.

So, we meet up at the Sonic. I hop into her car and we drive off. She reaches into the backseat and pulls out a binder. She sits it in my lap. I open it up and I think I’m looking at a note, but no, it’s the rough draft of an essay.

School starts back up that next week and she wanted me to proof read this major essay that she had written for English class. I ask her if that was all she needed. She says yes.

I look over the essay and tell her what needs to be done. She drops me off at my car and thanks me for the help. I tell myself on the inside that I am through with this yainch, but I’m not.

The footprint on my back is nothing but a flip-flop at this point. By the time the ex is through with me it’ll look like Paul Bunyan stolled over me in a pair of Cabela’s.

Chapter VI

I’m home for Spring Break and I’m miserable. I’m lonely, I’m depressed, hell, the only thing keeping me from being Mark David Chapman is a copy of Catcher in the Rye .

I’m in my room one night and the phone rings. It’s the ex, and she’d like to go out to dinner. All the bells and whistles in my head are going off telling me that I should say no, but the unit down below my waist is still holding out hope. So, I say yes.

It’s a lovely engagement. I get to hear about how wonderful her boyfriend is and about how her life is juuuuuuuuuust peachy. I’ve got nothing. School sucks, and my grades are shameful.

Finally the food comes so I can concentrate on something else. We dine and talk about everything she wants to talk about. Clothes, shoes, cheerleading, whatever.  The check comes and the waiter asks if it will be together or separate. I say separate. She looks up in stunned amazement.

The Ex: Why aren’t you paying for mine? You payed for it when we were together.

04: Well, I had genitals back then. They’re sitting in your purse now.

The Ex: So you’re not paying for my food?

04: Nosah.

The Ex: Fine, be that way.

Chapter VII

Home for the summer and working for my grandfather from 8:15-5:00 every weekday. Work keeps my mind off of all that sucks in my life, so I actually look forward to it at night. 11 p.m. comes around and the lights go off.

2:30 a.m.

The phone rings. It’s the ex. She’s in tears, and so I immediately rattle myself awake to ask what’s wrong. She says her stomach is killing her. I asked her if she’d taken any medicine and she says no. I told her to go take some antacid medicine and go back to sleep. She’d feel fine in the morning.

3:30 a.m.

BRRRRRINNNGGGGG! It’s the ex again. She’s still crying and she says that her stomach really hurts. Being the caring, compassionate fool that I am I go to the computer and begin looking up the symptoms for appendicitis.

I run down the list of symptoms. She’s doesn’t have one of them. I keep thinking and I go to a website that’s got a detailed picture of the human anatomy. I see where the appendix is located.

04: Ex, is the sharp pain on the right side of your body?

Ex: No, it’s on the other.

I’m confused now. I’m running through all these other possible scenarios of what could be wrong with her until the answer hits me like a ton of bricks.

04: Ex, did you have sex tonight?

Ex: [Silence]

04: Ex, did you have sex tonight?

Ex: Yeah.

04: Goodnight, Ex.

She calls me the following afternoon on my lunch break with the diagnosis from the emergency room.

Poked bladder.

Chapter VIII

This whole ignorant situation could’ve been avoided if I had the brains to see that I was being dragged along like a man pulled into a women’s shoe store. But no, I spent all of my high school years yearning for a girlfriend and now, after I had one and subsequently lost her, I kept holding on like grim death.

Time passed, and I found myself in the middle of summer vacation. In high school I made a name for myself by throwing some pretty hellacious parties at my grandfather’s cabin. The parties weren’t huge because I was popular, no, they were huge because the cabin was located outside of my hometown’s city limits.

Anyway, we’ve got a barnburner going on one night. I’m trying to control the situation the best I can, but people are rolling in faster than I can keep count. I decide I need a little break and I head into the back bedroom to play some pinball. I walk in and there’s the ex with her newer boyfriend and she is displaying her talent.

For some of you that don’t know what I’m talking about, let’s just say that she’s going after his unit like Louie Anderson would a piece of flank steak.

I walk out, shocked at what I’ve just interrupted, and decide the party is over. I politely make the rounds and tell everybody to leave.  As folks were walking out one of the party commoners pulls me aside:

Party goer: What happened? Why the sudden ending?

04: I walked in on the ex treating her new fella’s package like it was a Ball Park frank.

Party goer: Seriously?

04: Yeah.

Party goer: Damn, guess he got seconds. She took care of me over an hour ago down by the pond.

04: Thanks for sharing.

That was the last cabin party for the summer. I decided to put myself on suicide watch.

Chapter IX

One of my most shameful hours is at hand. Somehow, and I’m still not really sure how, the Ex begins to take a fancy to one of my dearest friends in the whole world. Why him? Well, I suppose God enjoys watching me suffer.

For three days I have to endure relentless begging and pleading from the Ex to hook her up with my dear friend. Phone calls, E-mails, unexpected visits at my door, you name it, she did it. She wanted this dude bad.

Finally, I cave. I realized long ago that there was zero chance of me ever getting back together with her, so I decide to help her out. I call my friend on the phone and tell him that the Ex finds him attractive. No answer.

Tell him again, “Dude, she likes you, A BUNCH.”

Still, no answer.

Finally, as I’m about ready to go heave myself off a cliff he acknowledges my words. He doesn’t want to do anything because he knows that I still like her, but I tell him to not worry about that crap. I tell him to make himself happy, and if being with her makes him happy then so be it.

This is a glorious victory for him of course. He knows full well that this girl will give it up quicker than the Dutch gave it up in the face of a German blitzkrieg.

Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse………………..it did.

Somehow, and again, I’m not sure how, I was tricked into coming along with these two and a couple other folks for a night on the town. It was at this point that I realized that what my Mom had said was true; I really was a glutton for punishment.

After three hours of dining, putt-putt and go carts I’d had enough. It was midnight and I had to work in the morning. I bid the group adieu and headed home to sleep.

2:30 a.m.

BRRRRRRRRIIINNNNNNNGGG! My cell phone rings. I know what’s coming. She’s done the nasty, most likely without a condom, and now she feels bad about it. I pick up the phone and say hello. Then, life throws me a curveball. It’s her dad.

Ex’s Dad: Hello, 04.

04: Oh, hello, Mr. Ex.

Ex’s Dad: Tell the Ex to come home please.

04: Well, sir, I came home at midnight and I haven’t seen her since.

Ex’s Dad: Are you serious? She said she would be with you all night.

04: Well, I’m in bed, and she’s not in it with me.

Ex’s Dad: You’re funny. Sorry to bother you. Good night.

04: No problem. Good night.

3:30 a.m.

BRRRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNGGGGGGGGGG! As I pick up the phone I hear chuckles. I determine they’re coming from God and St. Peter, who are hee-hawing it up in Heaven. I pick up the phone. It’s her dad again.

Ex’s Dad: Hello, 04.

04: Hello, Mr. Ex. I’m guessing she hasn’t come home yet.

Ex’s Dad: No, she hasn’t. Are you sure she’s not with you?

04: As much as I enjoy her company, I regret to inform you that she’s not in my bed with me.

Ex’s Dad: Do you have any idea where I can reach her?

04: Here’s my buddy’s cell phone number. If she isn’t with him then I can’t do nothing for ya, man.

Ex’s Dad: Thanks, 04. Sorry to bother you. Good night.

04: No problem. Good night.

4:05 a.m.

BRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGG! Gee, I wonder who this is……

Ex’s Dad: Hello, 04.

04: Hello, Mr. Ex.

Ex’s Dad: Your buddy, what are his parent’s names? I’m calling their house.

04: That would probably be wise. Here are their names……….

Ex’s Dad: You know, the ex never acted this way when she was with you.

04: I know, but she didn’t like me very much. That’s why she dropped me like a box of rocks.

Ex’s Dad: Yes, but her mom and I liked you very much. Her little brother misses you a ton.

04: That and 50 cents will buy me the Daily Oklahoman in the morning when I go to work.

Ex’s Dad: If it makes you feel any better, the Ex won’t see the light of day for a few months once she returns.

04: I’ll let that fact get me through the day tomorrow at work. I do have to get some sleep, Mr. Ex. I hope you understand. Good luck finding your daughter.

Ex’s Dad: Thank you. Good night.

04: Good night.

The following day at work was the most miserable day I’ve ever had to walk through. It could have been avoided had I turned off the phone, but no, I kept it on. I’m sure the Ex had fun during her all-night romp with my buddy. In the meantime, her Dad and I bonded.

I guess the night wasn’t a total loss.

Chapter X

I’m in the process of moving on. For those that don’t know, I check oil and gas records in the summer for an oil company so that means I spend a lot of time in the offices of the County Clerk. Well, one day, the clouds part and a beau-ti-ful girl begins to work in the office. I’m smitten.

To my utter amazement, this girl talks to me and laughs at my feeble attempts at humor. It takes me a week to ask for her number and nearly another week to call her. During that nerve-wracking conversation, I ask her out.

She says yes, I swallow my tongue.

Dinner and a movie is the plan. I should’ve known better because my rebound relationship a couple of years before ended in that very same movie theater parking lot. Sadly, this one would too.

We go to dinner and things are going well. The conversation is lively and I find myself enjoying her company. We go to the movie and things are progressing nicely. I’m not making any moves of course, but we are analyzing the movie and laughing at each other’s jokes.

The movie ends and we’re walking out. I look for my car and I am floored to see that it has been glass chalked all over with a very bright orange. I’m shocked. Nobody even knew I was dating this girl. Nobody knew I was going to be at the theater.

She takes the glass-chalking as a sign of two things.

1. I’m immature, because shoe polish and glass chalk were SO junior year.
2. That I’ve got some psycho ex not wanting me to date.

Well, I take the hint from the drive home and never call her back. I think that was for the best. In the meantime, I’m trying my best to figure out who in the blue hell chalked my car.

ONE WEEK LATER

I’m at a party and the ex is there by herself. As the party breaks up I’m walking to my car and the ex calls me to her car. I stick my head in the window to talk to her. I’m terrible at making eye contact, so I look all around her car until my eyes become transfixed on the passenger seat.

There, lying in the seat, is an tube of orange glass chalk. I look at her with fire in my eyes and she sees that I’ve seen the glass chalk. Tears start welling up in her eyes and I walk away without saying a word.

Why she did it I’ll never know. What I thought I did know was that I’d never talk to this girl again.

Yeah.

Right.

Chapter XI

2:30 a.m. This happens a lot.

BRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNGGGG! I pick up the phone knowing it’s the ex. The only wager I’m willing to make in my head is whether it involves sex or a break-up. To my surprise, it involves neither.

The Ex: 04, are you there?

04: I’m as there as a man can be when he’s been asleep for three hours.

The Ex: Good, because [sobs] I’ve wrecked my car.

04: Oh my God, are you OK?

The Ex: Well, I wasn’t in it.

04: Come again?

The Ex: I let my boyfriend borrow it and he totaled it when he ran off the road.

-After finding out details myself from her dad, he tells me the investigating officer said that the dude was doing 55 in a 25 mph residential zone and that he was intoxicated. He ran into a tree. The authorities believe he was on his way to a drug house which was a half-mile down the road.

04: Well, that’s nice. Plenty of people told you that guy was no good.

The Ex: I know. Not everyone was as nice to me as you were.

04: Your loss, I suppose. I’ve got to go back to bed. If you need anything give me a call.

The Ex: Thanks, 04. Bye.

3:15 a.m

BRRRRRRRRRIIIIIINNNNNNNNNG! Gee, I wonder who this is.

The Ex: Hey. Umm……….

04: What?

The Ex: Well, umm, I was wondering. Can I borrow your car tomorrow?

04: You’re kidding.

The Ex: No, I’m supposed to go shopping for some new clothes in Dallas tomorrow with a friend of mine and now I don’t have a car.

04: That’s not my fault, you’re the one that let that drunk SOB use your ride.

The Ex: Please let me use it tomorrow. I’ll do anything for you.

04: Like what?

The Ex: I’ll give you a **** ***.

-A lesser man would have caved. Lord knows I almost did.

04: I’m sorry, Ex, but I need my car tomorrow. I can’t help you.

The Ex: Please?

04: Sorry.

The Ex: Fine, I guess you’re f***ed if you ever come to me with a problem.

04: I guess I am. Good night.

-She was so angry with me that she didn’t call for three weeks! I began to see that she really was nothing more than a filthy yainch, but I still couldn’t shake the fact there was a different side to her, a side that only I saw while we were dating. I side that nobody else knew existed.

For some reason, I really missed that person.

Submitted by “bob” as a comment on the “TIME FOR SOME STORIES” post (the original comment was deleted because it was so long)